Tongue Tied

"Does this mean that I'm not the son of god? ...Oh, bugger!"
-Jesus of Caesarea ("Lemons")


Presumably born and raised in the town of Caesarea, in modern day Israel, in the early 1st century AD or late 1st century BC, Jesus had a difficult time living down the infamy of his father Samuel the chicken-stealer and his crimes, earning him the ire of the local Roman legions. Therefore, to remain a free man, he travelled throughout the known world (such as Albion, travelling across the river of Mersey) under the protection of his uncle Aaron, eventually ending up in India. Despite his difficult upbringing, he developed a serene and peaceful nature, and preached such virtues openly, making friendships with other immigrants such as Erin the shopkeeper

When the Red Dwarf crew arrived in India in 23 AD, they mistook him for Jesus of Nazareth, and were surprised to meet and interact with him. While enjoying a meal in his company, the Roman legionaries finally caught up with Jesus, and the Dwarfers helped make good his escape, eventually resorting to teleporting him back to the future with them. Although dazzled by all the sights of Red Dwarf, he was most impressed with the marvellous invention of the bag. He admitted to the others however that he has for several weeks been suffering the presence of a demon, which Kryten diagnosed as an impacted kidney stone. In order to save his life, the Dwarfers operated on him and restored him back to full health.

While recovering, Jesus came across a history book, and was horrified to find out about all the wars that were waged in the name of Christianity. Desperate to change his future, he decided to sneak back to the past and ruin his reputation and so prevent the birth of the new religion, openly proclaiming his lack of respect for the Ten Commandments. Dismayed at the potential of a world without Christmas, the Dwarfers pursued him and Lister attempted to get Jesus to change his mind, only for them to learn that he was in fact not the Jesus after all. Realizing their mistake, they bade Jesus farewell, giving him a small suggestion about putting his future knowledge to good use. Taking to this, Jesus sought out his fortune as the world's first ever bag manufacturer.


A nice and affable gentleman who simply is a victim of circumstance, and mistaken identity.


Turning the other cheek, selling bags.

Likes and Dislikes

Likes peace, non-violence, and bags.

Dislikes being the one who caused all the wars, being the son of Samuel the chicken-stealer, and not actually being the son of God.


  • Jesus: The only escape from our enemies is to turn and love them!
  • Jesus: I must face them, forgive them and teach them the gift of love!
  • Jesus: No. Leave me. I must face my enemies alone. I have no fear of death.
  • Jesus: It's as if I've smoked some bark from an acacia tree. Bad bark! Well bad bark!
  • Jesus: (in response to Kryten's lecture on batteries) Interesting. I-I have but one question... what's a lemon?
  • Jesus: Lemons truly are an amazing fruit!
  • Jesus: (on bags) It is totally amazing. ...You can store any object into its strange cloth walls and then carry these object any... I'm dizzied by its genius. Look, look at the things that I can...
  • Jesus: (on his kidney stone) Oh, oh, the demon returns... The one that lurks within me is re-awoken... It sleeps, it wakes.
  • Jesus: Your kindness is boundless.
  • Jesus: (trying to destroy his reputation) If thou seest him, tell him... that I will be in the tavern, drinking wine in great plenty until my legs do the dance of a newely born camel. And then my mind will turn to dark, vile thoughts, and I'll start coveting my neighbour's oxen! ...Oooh! And if there's time, I might even covet his donkey! And when I've finished coveting things, I might make a small statue out of wood, and idolise it a bit!
  • Jesus: So... doesn't God break the Tenth Commandment, wishing people worshipped him when they worship someone else. I mean, isn't that coveting the followers of your neighbour's god? ...It's strange, but these Ten Commandments seem to ignore the rights of women and children but are big on protecting the rights of oxen, slave, and donkey-owners. I mean, it's almost as if a man made up these commadnments to keep a primitive people in check!
  • Jesus: You want to fight, then, doth thou? ...Well, put 'em up, then. Let's see what you got! Don't think just because I'm a man of peace, I can't punch your teeth out.
  • Jesus: No, no. No, mind my hair. You... you're messing with my hair!
  • Jesus: Yeah, but I don't want to be me. I don't want to walk down the street and have people say, "Oh, look, there's the Jesus of Caesarea, the guy who caused all the wars."
  • Jesus: Jesus of Caesarea, son of Racahel the fornicator, Samuel the chicken-stealer... He stole them, not me. Take it up with him. I'm always having to leg it because of him.
  • Jesus: Yeah, there's a few of us. There's Jesus, son of John, with a funny nose. Jesus, son of Luke, he, er, wraps plant leaves around the feet of horses. About 70 of us at the last census.
  • Jesus: Get your bags, genuine JC bags, people! Come on, get your bag!

Behind the Scenes

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  • Jesus of Caesarea is not the only Jesus shown in the episode, as at the very end the crew spot twin brother's naming themselves Jesus and Judas arriving to take up their table arrangements. This match-up is congruent to the teachings of the Church of Judas, which was followed by Arnold Rimmer's Mother. However, the end-credits list the actor Tom Paper as playing the "Man Who May Be Jesus & Judas", leaving the matter of his authenticity in doubt. One of the twins is also shown earlier in the episode at the same table as the others in the "Last Supper" scene. Jesus also states that there are about 70 of his namesakes as of the last census.
  • Jesus of Caesarea is featured on the spine of the Series X DVD cover.