Tongue Tied

Krytie TV is the fifth episode in Series VIII of Red Dwarf. It is the forty-ninth episode overall. It first aired 18 March 1999 on BBC2.


Kryten shares his displeasure about being stuck in The Tank in the women's section with the male inmates, having been classified as female because he lacks male genitals. Worst of all, he moans about having to "shower with the girls." Interested, Kill Crazy and his companions try to convince him to film them, but Kryten refuses. Later they knock him out and reprogram him so that not only does he create the show but becomes a ruthless prison entrepreneur, and media mogul with his own television channel. Meanwhile, Arnold Rimmer and Dave Lister attempt to win an appeal for good behaviour, and are horrified about what the consequences of Kryten's actions could do to their efforts.


Life is hard in prison for Kryten (Robert Llewellyn) having been classified as a woman due to his lack of genitals. He is forced to share a bunk with Kochanski (Chloë Annett), exercise with the girls and also shower with them (which he does using an umbrella while catching up on his reading).

In his cell in The Tank, Dave Lister (Craig Charles) gets a letter from Olaf Petersen containing some news: his guitar has been found in the wreckage of Starbug and is being sent on to him. However, Lister's happiness and Arnold Rimmer's (Chris Barrie) despair are soon quashed as the guitar arrives without the strings due to a regulation preventing prisoners from possessing anything they can hang themselves with; which, for Rimmer, would be a very real consideration if Lister was playing his guitar. Lister also gets a letter notifying him that he has the right to appeal which, if successful, will apply to all other prisoners in his situation. Rimmer is overjoyed that he may soon be released.

The Canary shuttle returns to Red Dwarf

The boys' reaction to the fact Kryten showers with the girls

A couple of days later, the Canaries return to Red Dwarf aboard their shuttle after another dangerous mission, during which a GELF lifeform (with two heads and tentacles) ran away from Kill Crazy (Jake Wood) due to his body odour. As the squad sit and converse, Kryten reveals that he showers with the female inmates. Very interested, Kill Crazy and Cat (Danny John-Jules) try to persuade him to sneak a camera in. Kryten is outraged at even being asked to betray his fellow sisters, and refuses.

Kill Crazy, Chummy, and Saddo knock Kryten out unconscious and reprogram him

Kryten is knocked out and reprogrammed by the less scrupulous members of the Tank, lead by Kill Crazy, and sneaks a camera in for the male residents to watch during the cinema. However the re-programming goes further than Kill Crazy intended, as Kryten decides to make it a pay-per-view enterprise called Krytie TV and demands money to keep the show going (sending around men with buckets to collect the cash). Meanwhile, Lister and Rimmer are watching a trailer for "Attack of the Giant Savage Completely Invisible Aliens", from the makers of "Vampire Bikini Girls Suck Paris", when Krytie TV takes over programming and shows 'Women's Shower Night', featuring none other than Kochanski. Lister and Rimmer both intend to leave, not wanting to risk the appeal, but then decide to stay for a while,

Prison kingpin Kryten

Kryten, now a ruthless entrepreneur, becomes the "big daddy" of The Tank, with all the other prisoners showering him with praise, respect and gifts. Soon, Kryten's cell is replete with priceless artworks, he has the guards paid off, and has covered himself in a new, gold casing and taken to wearing gold medallions, and new flashing LED shoulder lights. Lister's attempts to stop "Krytie TV" causes Kryten to try buy Lister off with bribes.

Are Lister and Rimmer trashing Tim's quarters - or Warden Ackerman's?

Kochanski and the other girls soon find out what's happened and are furious. Kryten later turns up wearing his old black plastic casing at Lister and Rimmer's cell, claiming to have had his system repaired, gotten kicked out by the girls and being reclassified as a man.

Kryten then tells Lister that Kochanski is temporarily being allowed out of the Tank so that she can go on a date with her ex-boyfriend Tim, to the Officer's Club, and then back to Tim's quarters. Kryten offers to help Lister trash Tim's quarters thereby ruining the date, giving Lister a number of Rimmer's possessions to place around Tim's quarters - Christian rock music, Morris Dancer Monthly, and so on. Kryten also gives Lister a shrimp to put in the lighting, an onion sandwich to leave out, biscuits to crumble over the bedsheets, a painting of a monkey on the toilet eating a banana, and scissors to leave a little of Lister's pubic hair on the soap.

However, Dave soon finds he has trashed Warden Ackerman's (Graham McTavish) quarters, who is on his way back with his own date for the evening. In reality, Kryten had not had his system repaired nor had he been kicked out by the girls... all this is being shown on Krytie TV, and Kryten is outside Ackerman's quarters wearing a beard as a disguise. With the appeal on the line, Lister, with Rimmer's help, rushes to fix the room up before Ackerman returns. That edition ends with Lister and Rimmer chasing Kryten down a corridor, despite Kryten's pleas that he was only trying to boost the ratings and it was "nothing personal!"

A couple of days later, Lister receives a letter informing him his appeal was successful, but Rimmer soon finds out the appeal was not against their sentence: it was actually to allow Lister to have his guitar strings. Rimmer is devastated that after all his effort all he's managed to do is get Lister's guitar back, especially when Lister offers to write him a song...

Deleted Scenes

Available on the Series VIII DVD:

  • More conversation between Rimmer and Lister in their cell in The Tank. Speaking of Lister's guitar playing, Rimmer says that Lister's guitar is "responsible for some of the most revolting noises ever heard." Rimmer says that he would rather listen to Baxter first thing in the morning, "coughing up lumps of sputum the size of small planetoids." Rimmer also says that even Lister's goldfish wince when Lister plays guitar, hiding under plants when he starts to tune up.
  • A guard enters the cell, telling Lister and Rimmer that they've been commissioned to clean out the sewers of Red Dwarf. Either that, or they go on another suicide mission with the Canaries. They both opt for the latter.
  • Inside the Canary shuttle, Rimmer (initially) says that he is against Kill Crazies' idea of getting Kryten to film the girls when the mechanoid showers with them. The Holly Watch interjects, asking who Rimmer really is, since he clearly isn't "our" Rimmer. Cat asks Rimmer why he is voting "no" to the soapy bosom party, and tries four or five times to convince Rimmer otherwise, asking if him he understands the meaning of "naked" and "soapy".

Rimmer rats out Chummy (far left)

  • In the broadcast episode, the scene where Warden Ackerman addresses the assembled prisoners (and demands of the assembled prisoners to know who stole his glass eye before Ackerman's date with Patricia Carling) was significantly trimmed for time. The full scene is significantly longer. Is revealed that it was Kill Crazy who put the false teeth in the collection bucket instead of the false eye, since Kill Crazy had taken the false teeth from another prisoner, Simmons. Ackerman spends some more time throwing a tantrum when his eye is not returned, before he threatens to end all Canary privileges for a month - which Lister notes will make the Tank like going on holiday to the Isle of Man. When Rimmer rats out the real culprit - Saddo - Ackerman thanks Rimmer smugly. Kochanski reminds Rimmer of the "unwritten rule" of not ratting on other prisoners - Kryten says that it is unwritten since nobody in The Tank can read. Rimmer isn't worried, since Saddo is a loner, but it revealed that Rimmer actually ratted out Saddo's twin brother, Chummy, who was well-liked, and Rimmer gets beat up by the other prisoners anyway.
  • After a particularly energetic away mission with the Canaries, Cat says that he is so tired, that he is going back to his cell to stare in the mirror for only three hours before going to sleep.
  • In the prison cinema, Lister and Rimmer discuss stopping Women's Shower Night, and decide to leave. Neither of them can force themselves to leave, despite goading each other to leave for some time.
  • When Kochanski finds out about Women's Shower Night, she says to Kryten "you are dead, nickel-hydrate breath. I'm gonna have you melted down, turned into 1,000 Tamagotchis, and then I'm going to starve them to death, one by one."

Lister crawling through the ducts of Red Dwarf

  • As Lister crawls through the ventilation ducts to wreck "Tim's" quarters, Lister begins to get Claustrophobia. His dialogue mirrors his discussion of his claustrophobia in the Series VII episode "Duct Soup".


Background Information

  • "Krytie TV" replaced a scripted episode that was never filmed, "Phwoaarr".
  • Originally titled "No Strings Attached" and revolving around Lister's guitar strings, this was later changed to "Krytie TV". The episode turned out to be a problematic production.
  • As discussed in the DVD featurette "The Tank", Chloë Annett was unable to attend regular recording sessions due to a kidney infection; her scenes were added later, which creates a continuity error in the "post-suicide mission" Canaries sequence in which Kochanski disappears midway through a scene.
  • One of the two co-creators of Red Dwarf, Doug Naylor, cameos as one of the "men in the film". This remains to date the only time that Naylor has appeared in his own series.

Noteworthy Dialogue

  • Rimmer: Here’s one for you.
    Lister: Who from?
    Rimmer: Petersen. My god that is tragic.
    Lister: What’s happened to him? Did he die?
    Rimmer: Die? Do you think he’d write and tell you?
    Lister: You're right, you're right, you're right. I’m not thinking straight. He’d be too busy with his funeral and everything wouldn’t he?
  • Rimmer: This appeal was all about guitar strings?
    Lister: You didn't think it was about getting out of here did you?
    Rimmer: You mean to say I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your lousy stinking guitar?
    Lister: You've been a brick, man. And as a personal thank you, I thought I'd write you a song.
    [Rimmer's face grimaces]

Guest Stars