Tongue Tied

"You are my nemesis. One day our paths will cross again. And I will destroy you..."
- The Chocolate Dispenser ("Only the Good...")

The Chocolate Dispenser was an artificially-intelligent vending machine.

It was located on Floor 341 of Red Dwarf, in the corridor right outside Captain Hollister's sleeping quarters, and dispensed the favorite snacks of the thickset captain.


When Captain Hollister fell ill, he was tended to by Arnold Rimmer, who was on probation from The Tank. Rimmer told him his dreams of having his own command and ship, but after being told by the captain that he was not officer or Captain material, and Talia Garrett entered, Rimmer left in a huff.

Using his knowledge from working Z Shift, Rimmer used a coin on a piece of string to obtain a chocolate bar from the machine without paying. The machine immediately awoke, and began loudly trying to inform the Captain down the corridor of the theft. Rimmer demands it shut up, but it refuses, and so Rimmer threatens to drown it with beef soup. It shuts up momentarily, then pipes up again, saying it had its circuits crossed. It repeatedly threatens Rimmer, although it also acknowledges that it only knows of his voice and taste in confectionery. Rimmer sarcastically asks it if it going to leave a horse's head made of marzipan in his bed.

The Captain eventually emerges as Rimmer ties to muffle it by covering its speaker hole with masking tape, but Hollister is too wary to be bothered by the argument between Rimmer and the machine. As Rimmer leaves, the machine tells him that it is now his nemesis, and he will eventually "destroy" him. Rimmer replies that, on that day, he will be Captain of the ship.

Later, this occurs as Rimmer emerges from the Mirror Universe to find that he is the last human on the disintegrating ship, essentially making him Captain. The ship is being devoured by the Chameleonic Microbe, the crew evacuated, and the Chocolate Dispenser takes great pleasure in pointing out to Rimmer that the formula for the antidote has reverted to the formula for the virus again as he crossed over to his own universe.

"Every dog has his day"...

The machine then fires out a drinks can at Rimmer's head with great force, getting its vengeance and saying: "Every dog has its day, and today is the day that I am the dog!". It is unclear whether this kills Rimmer, or knocks him unconscious, since the Grim Reaper appears, either for real or in hallucination. ("Only the Good...", Series VIII)

In the alternate ending to the episode, Rimmer saves the ship, and even pays the money he owes back to the machine, but it still fires the can at Rimmer's head anyway, whilst howling in triumph.


Behind the Scenes