Tongue Tied
Advertisement

The Christmas Special, also known by the working title Dropship Project, is the speculative title of a script written by prop builder and visual-effects specialist Bill Pearson that was intended as a Red Dwarf Christmas special. Described as being ‘panto-like’ in nature, the script was written by Pearson for fun in his spare time. Pearson later created a number of models relating to the project, using them to shoot model sequences to use to pitch the concept. Despite some interest from within Grant Naylor Productions, the idea was never realised, though a Christmas special of sorts would be produced in the form of the Mobisodes, and Pearson's Annihilator models would eventually come to be used in "The Beginning".

Summary[]

An undetermined amount of time after the events of "Only the Good...", despite having saved the ship from the chameleonic microbe, the posse has been sentenced to an additional six years in the Tank after Lister accidentally turned Captain Hollister into a toddler with the Time Wand.

The Skutters use a custom space tug to remove graffiti from the outer hull. Lister watches in awe from the obs deck as a supernova erupts outside, which Cat misses entirely, as he's confused by the multi-limbed centerfold of a lewd Venusian magazine. Lister chastises him for missing a once-in-a-lifetime experience, to which Cat retorts that he still has eight more to catch it again. Lister bemoans their situation with Kochanski, who is unsympathetic, reminding him that it was largely his fault that they're in this mess in the first place. Lister attempts to defend himself, before admitting defeat. Kochanski leaves to pick Hollister up from daycare, as Lister reminds her that it's her turn to do so this time.

Lister is joined by Rimmer and Kryten. Rimmer has come to send a beacon into space, transmitting coordinates and trajectory, in the hope that an alien civilization may find it, track them down and rescue them, with his reasoning being that they're merely victims of circumstance, and the aliens, being vastly intelligent and enlightened, will understand their plight and wish to see justice done. The beacon he intends to send will be the 227th one he's sent that month. Meanwhile, Rimmer's been busying himself with rehearsals for the Christmas panto, for which he has enlisted the help of Kryten in a capacity that apparently involves him wearing a "rather fetching" tutu. Lister derides the exercise as wishful thinking, pointing out that the sheer scale involved in space travel makes the odds of the beacons ever being discovered extremely unlikely, let alone in their lifetimes.

Lister also comments on the improbability of the hypothetical aliens from being able to translate the message with no frame of reference to the English language when he is interrupted by Holly announcing that he's picking up a signal in an alien language, to Rimmer's insufferably smug satisfaction and Lister's utter disbelief. The translated message apparently requests the presence of "Grand Earth Overlord Commander Rimmer"; the messages in Rimmer's beacons apparently purport him to be the unjustly deposed leader of humanity. Once the group's gathered, Holly patches them through to the alien leader, who greets Rimmer and his "subjects" with a message of goodwill and peace.

While the rest of the group is unimpressed, Kryten defends Rimmer for his part in establishing contact with an unknown race. However, as Rimmer is having Kryten prepare a welcome for them - which involves him floating out in space, suspended by a line held by Skutters, with his limbs reassembled in a star-shaped formation whilst flashing beacons append his extremities - he receives another communication that indicates the aliens are not as friendly as they appear, and apparently have a highly aggressive and destructive invasion force on the way to him, and the crew are unable to retrieve him as they bear down on him. However, it quickly transpires that the aliens are in fact incredibly small, and Kryten accidentally swallows them.

Bringing Kryten in, they receive a message from the aliens. The leader discards its disguise, to the amusement of Lister and Rimmer, when it transpires its true form has an incredibly silly looking head and identifies their species as the Demonstroes. Swearing vengeance for their ploy, the leader informs them that they intend to teleport back to their homeworld and self-destruct their ships, before the second-in-command requests an extension to ten minutes to allow for time to "get this damn suitcase closed". The fallout from the explosion will kill all life on Red Dwarf. Rimmer immediately votes to eject Kryten into space, but Lister reminds him about his earlier statements about loyalty when Kryten stood up for him.

Kochanski determines from a med-scan that the radioactive mass is located in Kryten's chest area. It will require surgery to remove. Lister proposes to use Kryten's nanobots to reduce the crew in size and enter Kryten's system to conduct the surgery from the inside. The plan nearly goes awry immediately when Lister almost swallows the probeship they plan to use to enter; fortunately for him, Kochanski warns him of the danger before he is able to give himself "a severe case of indigestion". The crew are successfully miniaturised and the probeship is inserted through the closest point of entry, a port in the posterior region. Once inside, they pass through a number of strange locations, including a field of electronic sheep and a montage of various moments from Kryten's life, before coming to a picturesque lagoon resembling Lister's postcards of Fiji. However, the probeship is too big to fit into the entry point of the tunnel. While the crew are looking for a solution to the problem, Cat notices a button with his name on it and presses it before anyone can stop him. The "CAT" turns out to stand for "caterpillar tracks", as a set emerge and drive them down to the water, whereupon the probeship converts to underwater propellers.

At this point, what passes for Kryten's immune system kicks in, in the form of a swarm of ravenous flying sanitary towels, several of which jam the fans and cause the engine to stall. Looking through the owner's manual, Lister activates the Utility Remote Mark 1 robot, U.R.1 for short, to dislodge the towels before they sink to crush depth. It works, though helium starts to leak into the cabin and raise the crew's voices.

Finally reaching the radioactive mass, Lister uses the Utility Arm to grab it and store it safely in a Wilbur Weasel thermos, to Rimmer's bafflement. He explains that the Wilbur Weasel fanclub insisted on manufacturing all their merchandise with lead lining after their leader proclaimed that all future club meetings would be held in space. They are now in a rush to exit Kryten's body before the shrink expires and they return to normal size. Lister reveals his earlier prediction that the shrink would last for fifteen minutes was entirely guesswork and he had no idea how long it would actually be. Thinking fast, Cat navigates them to Kryten's nasal centres and induces Kryten to sneeze the probeship out.

Having successfully jettisoned the explosive, the group watch on from the obs deck as the thermos flies off into space, with the mass inside growing at an exponential rate. Kryten notes that the device, though created with destructive intent, contains all the necessary components for the creation of a star system capable of sustaining life. Lister comments wryly on the irony that a weapon created by a species specialising in death and destruction could in turn be the source of new life. Kryten suggests it would be fitting, given their part in its inception, to name the new world after one of the old worlds left behind, and puts forward the suggestion 'Earth II'. Cat responds, "Considering its humble origins I'd call it 'Uranus II'." After receiving a loud smack, Cat exclaims in pain and the thermos disappears.

Trivia[]

  • The script, the pitch video and a number of test model shots, concept art and images of the creation of the models were released by Pearson in December 2012, following an interview with Pearson during a podcast on the Gazpacho Soup fan website, in which he revealed its existence.
  • Despite its many deviations from the period it's set in, such as the inclusion of aliens, the resurgence of animosity between Lister and Rimmer despite Series VIII notably downplaying this aspect in favour of a sense of camaraderie and 'chumminess' between the Boys, and the complete absence of the resurrected crew in spite of the Boys' continued incarceration, the script is notable for being the closest we currently have to an official resolution to the cliffhanger ending of "Only the Good...". (See: 1999 - 2009 Bridge for more details and theories)
  • The miniaturisation storyline is inspired by the 1966 science fiction film Fantastic Voyage, which has a near-identical premise. The film is name-dropped a number of times in the script.
  • Had it been officially produced, the Christmas Special would have been the first, and likely only, production to break Grant-Naylor's "no aliens" rule.
    • It is possible that the Demonstroes are an advanced species of GELF.
  • Pearson's passing in March 2020 is the first instance of someone who wrote for Red Dwarf dying.



Advertisement