14 billion years ago:The Universe and everything in it is created by the Big Bang; cosmic inflation at the time causes the cosmos to expand exponentially.
c. 12th-century: In Burgundy, for some unexplained reason, it rains herring.
1421
August 16: The crew of Starbug use a Time Drive and arrive in this time period in deep space, after initially aiming for the 17th.
1546: The Mayor of Warsaw spontaneously combusts.
1582: T'ai-ch'ang aka Chu Ch'ang-lo Kuang Tsung is born.
1620: T'ai-ch'ang became the Chinese emperor during the Ming Dynasty
1778: The first syphon-and-valve flushing system was patented by Joseph Brehman.
20th century[]
1944
March: After entering an evolved photograph, Lister gets into a scuffle with Adolf Hitler and steals his briefcase. He realises the case is a bomb and throws it back into the photograph.
1946: Lister's favorite movie, It's a Wonderful Life, is released.
1950s: Einstein does most of the important groundwork for the stasis theory and time-freezing, unfortunately just as he was on the verge of a breakthrough he started dating Marilyn Monroe and lost interest. After the short affair was over, he found it difficult to concentrate on quantum theory, and spent most of the rest of his life taking cold showers.
1963
November 22: The crew of Starbug use a Time Drive and arrive on the fifth floor of the Texas Book Depository, and accidentally hit Lee Harvey Oswald out of the window before firing the third shot, causing John F. Kennedy to live. The crew rearrive back here a few minutes earlier redirecting Oswald to the sixth floor to try to alter the time line back to normal. Oswald fires all three shots, but due to the line of sight Kennedy still lives. The crew arrive back here for a third time bringing the future John F. Kennedy with them. Kennedy stands behind the grassy knoll and assassinates himself, thus correcting the time line.
1964: In an alternate timeline, John F. Kennedy is impeached for sharing a mistress with a Mafia boss.
1965
July: In an alternate time line, John F. Kennedy is being taken from Idlewild Airport to an open prison to serve his three year sentence. Lister goes here and convinced Kennedy to travel back to 1963, and stand behind the grassy knoll, and assassinate himself. Kennedy agrees and the time line is corrected.
1966: In an alternate timeline, J. Edgar Hoover is now president, forced to run by the mob, who had pictures of him at a transvestite orgy. The USSR is allowed to install nuclear bases at Cuba in return for Mafia cocaine trafficking between Cuba and the states. The base is so close to the US, people flee from all the major cities.
1979 (Backwards: the novel) The crew eventually leave the backwards universe, with the Cat and Lister now fifteen years old.
1989: The crew goes through a cosmic storm and enter a parallel universe. They materialize on an exact replica of Earth.
1989 (Backwards: the novel) Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat arrive in Universe 3, where time runs backwards. In a series of events, all in reverse, they meet up with a recently "arrested" Lister, who "spent" eight years in prison for murder. Through their experiences, they find that Kryten was "responsible" for the "crime". They miss the time window and spend ten more years in the backwards universe.
21st century[]
2080: Interstellar travel is considered economically and philosophically interesting. Stasis booths are also invented around this time.
22nd century[]
2130: Stellarnauts try to reintegrate into society and try to cope with the fact they are 50 years younger than their own children. This led to curious generation gaps problems, of which the Greeting Card industry took full advantage of.
2145: MP Angus Thornton is born.
2149: Arnold Rimmer is born on Io. Around this time, Fred "Thickie" Holden is born also.
2154: Kristine Kochanski is born.
2155
October 14: David Lister chooses this date as his birthday. This date is approximate and was placed on the Jupiter Mining Corporation Recruitment forms.
November 26: Lister travels back in time and places himself, at age six weeks, under a pool table in a cardboard box at The Aigburth Arms in Liverpool. He writes the word "Ouroboros" on the side as a message to himself in the future.
2156: Rimmer is doing poorly in school. His mother offers him a chance to stay back a year to improve himself. He declines. This event shapes his life in a profoundly negative way. In an alternate dimension, Rimmer (known as Ace), does stay behind and learns to stick up for himself. He grows up to be the famous Ace Rimmer. Rimmer's oldest brother, John, is already a Test Pilot.
2157: Rimmer goes back in time using mutated photographs and tries to convince his younger self to invent the tension sheet. Unfortunately Thickie Holden overhears him and invents it first, and corrects the event to the way it originally was.
2159: Rimmer is betrayed by his only friend at Io House, Porky Roebuck. During a Space Scout camp, Porky lead a group of boys who tries to eat Rimmer.
2161: Rimmer, at age twelve, loses his shoes with the compass in the heel and the animal tracks on the sole. Porky Roebuck throws them into a septic tank. Rimmer cries for weeks, as he was wearing them.
2162
July: Lister's adopted father dies.
2163
At the age of fourteen, Rimmer goes on a camping holiday with his mother, his Uncle Frank, and Frank's twin daughters. Middle of the night Rimmer wakes up to find a tongue stuck down his throat. He opens his eyes and can't believe it. It's his Uncle Frank! Somehow he had gotten the wrong room. He thought Rimmer was his mother. This was Rimmer's first French kiss.
Rimmer divorces his parents at the age of 14 - takes them to court, gets paid maintenance until employment age and access every fourth weekend to the family dog.
2164: Rimmer, age fifteen, thought he had gotten lucky with Fiona Barrington in his father's greenhouse, but as it turned out he had his hand in warm compost.
2165
Rimmer decides to join the Space Corps. He has done a lot in this year, including attending Saturn Tech where he took a maintenance course, was a member of the Io Amateur War Gamers, the Recreators of the Battle Neasdon and in the Love Celibacy Society. He joined the Samaritans, but for only a day. Five people who rang him decided to commit suicide by throwing themselves off buildings. Even the person that called just to get the cricket scores. The newspapers call it "Lemming Sunday".
Lister, age ten, becomes best friends with Duncan. . He taught Lister how to put mirrors on his toe caps to look up girls skirts. Duncan had to move to Spain because of a job. It was a bank job his dad pulled in Purley.
2167
Rimmer joins the Space Corps on the ship Red Dwarf as a Third Technician.
Lister, at the age of eleven, goes to live with his grandmother. He starts to get fat, just like her. His nickname around this time was "fat boy."
2168: At the age of twelve, Lister loses his virginity, to Michelle Fisher, on the ninth hole of Bootle Municipal Golf Course. Around this time, Lister and his mates go out scrumping for cars.
2169: At age thirteen, Lister's grandmother dies. The guy who draws the chalk outline had to go back to the truck to get a second piece of chalk to finish. Lister was determined not to be fat like her.
2170: Lister starts to work as a trolley attendant, he later starts to think of this as a career.
2171: On a school trip to Paris, Lister gets drunk for the first time on some cheap red Plonk. Went on a guided tour of the Eiffel Tower, and was fine until they reached the top, then he couldn't hold it in any more. Apparently it had landed in Mount Martyr five miles away. Supposedly some pavement artist sold it to a rich Texan telling him it was a genuine Jackson Pollock.
2172
Lister, age seventeen, forms the band Smeg and the Heads. He has written his first song, "Om", and dresses in Sham Glam. At one gig Lister is met by his future self, who tries to convince him to invent the Tension Sheet. He does so and changes history.
Around this time, while working at Megamart as a trolley attendant, Lister falls in love with Cashier Number 4, age twenty-two. One evening they are caught making love on tinned asparagus by her husband. He shoves Lister in a box and threatens to throw him in the canal. Lister pleads. The guy tells him to never see her again. When Lister gets out of the box, he is naked in the middle of the Bootle-Players' amateur production of The Importance of Being Earnest. Lister develops claustrophobia.
2173
Lister starts attending Art College. 97 minutes after enrolling, he quits after he learns that they give lectures first thing in the afternoon.
Lister begins dating Lise Yates.
2174
Eight months into their relationship, Lister breaks up with Lise Yates, because he wants to "play the field."
Earth's polar star changed and the entire Zodiac had to be realigned. Denis and Josie meet at a New Zodiac Festival. Denis is a Bliss addict and Josie is a game head.
2175
During the '74/'75 season Jim Bexley Speed, the London Jets Roof Attack, breaks the all-time record for three-dimensional yardage in a single season of Zero-Gee football. Lister was at the game that this occurred.
Thickie Holden originally invents the Tension sheet, which makes him a millionaire.
2176: Denis and Josie last made love in this year. They are still with each other, but too addicted to Better Than Life.
2180
March 16: Rimmer loses his virginity to Yvonne McGruder, the ship's female boxing champion. (She had been hit on the head with a winch, and kept calling him Norman.) It started at 7:31pm and lasted till 7:43pm. Twelve minutes including the time it took to eat the pizza. Rimmer never had sex again.
Lister quits his job as a trolley attendant after ten years, because he doesn't want to get tied down to a career.
October: Lister celebrates his 25th birthday with six of his friends in Liverpool, by hopping the pubs. He says that he is going out to buy a Monopoly board, and wakes up on Mimas with no money and a passport in the name of Emily Berkenstein.
November 25: Rimmer is invited to sit at the Captain's tab with six officers. The starter is gazpacho soup. Rimmer tells the waiter to take it back, because it's cold, unaware that gazpacho is supposed to be cold. The crew officers laugh at him. He thought they were laughing at the cook, When he realised they weren't, this becomes his most shameful memory. For the rest of his life he will remember this day as "Gazpacho Soup Day."
2181
February 19: Denis mugs Lister and gets 53 dollar pounds. Lister, fed up with Mimas, tries to join the Space Corps.
February 20: Lister becomes a member of Red Dwarf, as a third technician.
February 21:Red Dwarf makes a brief stop on Titan. There Lister picks up Frankenstein, a pregnant tom cat. He gets her vaccinated and smuggles her aboard the ship, hoping that he will get caught with her and sent to stasis for the rest of the trip. Supply Officer, Caroline Carmen, gets reposted at Titan, she will join the JMC supply ship Leviatihan.
February 26: Lister makes breakfast for Rimmer by using Titan mushrooms (more commonly known to the beatnik society as "Freaky Fungus"). After breakfast Rimmer attends inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock leather driving gloves and blue swimming goggles. He attacks two senior officers believing that they are giraffes who were armed and dangerous. (The clock on the wall in Red Dwarf was apparently wrong, the day was correct but the year was wrong. This is confirmed in Rimmer's diary.)
February 28: Lister meets Kochanski at one of the ship's bars. They begin dating.
March 2: Lister, the Cat, and Rimmer come through the stasis leak for the first time. Later that evening Rimmer comes back trying to save his younger self.
March 3: Lister gets two weeks paint detail for the mushroom incident. Rimmer gets eight weeks paint detail for sticking a pencil up the captain's nose and by eating his wife's photograph, thinking that it was a publicity shot from Planet of the Apes. Rimmer sees his hologram counterpart, but believes that he is a hallucination. Lister and the Cat go through the stasis leak so Lister can marry Kochanski. (They do, but Kochanski doesn't want to go with Lister, because her job comes first. Lister and Rimmer leave here back to Starbug.)
March 5: Frank Saunders, a crew member of Red Dwarf, dies and becomes the ship's hologram.
March 17: Rimmer had too much claret and fell asleep naked on his bunk. For a joke, Lister takes a polaroid of his todger, drew a moustache, mouth and ears on it. He placed the picture on a bulletin board under "missing persons" written underneath "Have you seen this man? Believed to be a French movie star."
March 19: George McIntyre commits suicide, because of his excessive debts. Shortly thereafter, Saunders finds out that he is being shut off, because McIntyre out ranks him.
March 20:Red Dwarf returns to Mimas for a few days to get supplies. Kochanski breaks up with Lister, and goes out with her previous boyfriend, Tom, a catering officer. Lister, not being able to handle the breakup, leaves a note for Rimmer telling him that he is going on shore leave to Mimas. (Lister takes Frankenstein with him to the moon, so she doesn't get caught while he's away.)
March 22: There is a funeral service for McIntyre, and his ashes are sent into space. Saunders hologram is turned off, and McIntyre's hologram is activated.
March 23: Rimmer takes the Astronavigation exam for the tenth time. He fails again. Lister is put into stasis for eighteen months for bringing an unquarantined animal aboard the ship. Sometime after this, Rimmer makes a poor repair job on the ship's drive plate. The entire crew of Red Dwarf is killed due to exposure of Cadmium II. Holly seals all the cargo bays during the disaster. Frankenstein continues to have several litters over the years.
2192: Frankenstein dies at the age of fourteen. The Cat population is 198,832.
23rd century[]
2224: After the World Cup added rules for Genetic Alternative Sports, Scotland created a genetically engineered goal keeper that was eight feet tall and sixteen feet wide, thereby blocking the entire goal. Ironically, they still did not qualify for the second round.
2230: Pluto's solstice, in which Pluto takes over Neptune as the outermost planet in the solar system. (Should be 2227?)
c. 2250: Famous physicists Heideker, Davrell, Holder, Quayle, and a fifth one, go into deep space to do experiments on collective intelligence. The results of these experiments was called Legion. Legion is a gestalt entity, which is a combination of individuals melded together to form one. (Over the years the physicists die off, and Legion became nothingness.)
2296: Mechanoid Visual System, Version IX.05 from the Infomax Data Corporation is created. It is used in the Series 4000 mechanoids
2300-2,999,999[]
2340: Professor Mamet is due to marry John Warburten, a fellow bio-engineer. He jilts her the day before the wedding, so she decides to create a droid in his image - a pompous, ridiculous-looking, mother-hen clucking irascible buffoon. The Series 4000 mechanoid series is created.
Kryten 2X4B-523P, a 4000 series service mechanoid, is created by Professor Mamet at DivaDroid International. Around this time another 4000 series mechanoid from the 2X4C sub-series is created. His name is Able.
c. 25th century: Scientists discard the concept of a "family" when they prove that all hang ups in our neurosis are caused by our parents.
c. 28th century: A top secret Space Corps. vessel containing a Time Drive is used to travel back in the past. The crew of the ship die from an influenza virus caught in the 20th-century. Before dying they set the ship into deep space on autopilot and created a mind field generator around the vessel so no one would go near it.
4080: It is finally proven that mankind is all alone in the universe. No other intelligent life exists anywhere in the universe.
c. 502,181: The biggest and the strongest cats survived, the mutants. They had rudimentary fingers instead of claws and stood on their hind legs. The Felis erectus was born.
2,002,181: A plague hit, it was known as hunger. Less than thirty cat tribes now survived, roaming the cargo decks in search of food, but all the food was gone. Weak and ailing, they prayed at the supply hold's silver mountain: huge towering acres of metals rocks which the Cats believed watched over them. One cat took down a silver rock, and placed the V-shaped metal icon on the rim of the rock, and turned the handle. And the rock opened. And inside it was Alphabetti Spaghetti in tomato sauce. And in the other rocks were other delights. God had spoken. Felis sapiens was born.
2,502,181: A holy war begins between the two cat factions. One cat faction believed that their god was named Cloister, and he wanted the sausage diner hats to be red, and the other faction thought that their god was named Clister and he wanted the hats to be blue.
2,504,181: A truce was called and both factions built 2 arks to go and search for Fuchal. They left the sick and lame cats behind on Red Dwarf. The first ark, blue, flew into an asteroid. But, the red ark, flew onward, knowing they were truly righteous.
Over the last three million years, Holly read all known books and took up numerous hobbies while Lister was in stasis. The loneliness caused him to become computer senile, depleting his IQ into two figures.
3,000,000 and beyond[]
3,002,181
Lister comes out of stasis, only to find out that the entire crew is dead and he is the only human left. His companions are the hologram of Rimmer, a life-form who evolved from Frankenstein, and Holly, a tenth generation artificial intelligence computer with an IQ of 6000. Lister has Holly set a course back to Earth.
Holly gets the coordinates ready to make the jump to light speed, while the crew gets ready to go into stasis. Unfortunately, the ship jumps to light speed 22 hours early. The crew see future echoes of themselves, including Lister's son Bexley dying in an explosion, Lister at age 171 and a younger Lister with twin boys Jim and Bexley.
Lister, fed up with the attitude of Talkie Toaster, takes a fourteen-pound hammer to it and disposes of it in the waster disposal unit.
Lister plans to take the Chef's exam just to out rank Rimmer in order to have Rimmer give him the cigarettes and Kochanski's personality disc, that Rimmer has hidden.
(+2 days): Lister fails the exam, but leads Rimmer into believing that he passed.
Rimmer fails the Astronavigation Exam for the eleventh time.
Lister, and Rimmer play the Locker Game. In the game they would each pick a dead crew member's locker to see what they would win. Lister would always do better. On one occasion Rimmer gets "burned" from a booby trapped locker.
(+18 weeks): Holly discovers and unidentifiable object which is actually a Red Dwarf garbage pod. Rimmer believes that it is an alien capsule.
(+1 day) Lister discovers that he is a god to the Cat people, and meets a dying priest who has lost his faith. He rewards the priest a place in Fuchal, the priest dies happy.
(+2 days): Rimmer opens the pod to find out that it really is a garbage pod.
Lister went up to the officer's block into Kochanski's quarters. This area of the ship had not be decontaminated yet.
(+1 day): Lister becomes sick, and passes out in the hallway. He goes to bed and has hallucinations that become sentient. He conjures up two men in the drive room, representing his Confidence and Paranoia.
(+2 days): Confidence destroys Paranoia and the medicom, so Lister can not get better. Outside the ship with Lister, Confidence takes his helmet off and explodes. Lister gets Kochanski's personality disc and activates it. But, to his horror, it's a duplicate of Rimmer.
(+3 days)(October): Rimmer moves out next door with his duplicate.
(+4 days): The two Rimmers begin arguing with each other. One Rimmer insults the other with the insult "Mr Gazpacho".
(+5 days): Lister is fed up with the arguing Rimmers and chooses to shut one off. He tricks Rimmer into telling him about "Gazpacho Soup Day" and wipes the copy.
3,002,182
The crew get a distress call from the Nova 5.
(+1 day): They arrive on the Nova 5 to discover Kryten, the service mechanoid, taking care of three skeletons. The crew take Kryten back with them to Red Dwarf. Kryten becomes a "slave" of Rimmer, cleaning up the whole ship.
(+2 days): Kryten rebels. He borrows Lister's space bike and fly around looking for a planet with an atmosphere, where he can build a garden.
(A few days later): Kryten is found in pieces after he crashes the space bike into an asteroid belt.
A post pod arrives from Earth. Rimmer gets a letter from his mother saying that his father dies peacefully in his sleep.
(+1 day): The crew play the game Better Than Life, which allows the player to live out his or her fantasies. Everything is going fine until Rimmer's imagination goes haywire and ends up with a wife, seven kids, and a mortgage. It comes to a relief to all when the game is over.
(Saturday): The crew find a planet with an atmosphere and have a party to celebrate the anniversary of Rimmer's death.
(Sunday): Lister goes into the hologram imaging chamber and gives Rimmer eight months of his memory. He gives him memories of an old girlfriend, Lise Yates.
(Wednesday): Rimmer finds the letters that Lise sent to Lister. Lister tells Rimmer the truth about what he did. Rimmer, very depressed, has Lister erase the entire crew's memory of the last four days.
(Thursday): Lister wakes up to discover that his leg has been broken and that someone did a jigsaw puzzle. The crew somehow lost the last four days, and the black box is missing. They find it on a small moon, and discover what happened since Saturday night.
The crew discover a stasis leak on floor 16, which leads back in time three weeks before the explosion. Rimmer goes back in the middle of the night to save himself.
(+1 day): Lister and the Cat go back to make it to Lister's wedding with Kochanski. At some point they come across a moon that is shaped exactly like Felicity Kendall's bottom and fly around it a few times.
(14 months): Holly becomes increasingly careless and Queeg 500, the ship's backup computer takes over and demotes Holly to night watchman.
(+2 days): Fed up with taking exams, morning exercises, and large amounts of work, the crew ask Holly for help. Holly challenges Queeg to a game of chess. The winner takes control of Red Dwarf, and the loser gets erased. Holly loses, and get erased. But it turns out that Holly was Queeg all along, and played a practical joke on the crew.
Holly invents the Holly Hop Drive, a device that can transport any object in space to any other point in space. It doesn't work correctly, and sends the ship into a parallel universe, which is female dominated. The crew meet their female counterparts, except for the Cat whose counterpart is a male dog.
(+1 day): Lister wakes up the next morning to discover that he had sex with his female counterpart, and discovers that he is pregnant.
(A few days later): Holly, performs a head swap on himself. He bases his new face on Hilly, who he met in the parallel universe and had fallen madly in love with.
(A week later): Lister gives birth to twins, Jim and Bexley. Because they were conceived in another universe they developed much quicker here.
(3 days later): Both boys are eighteen years old because of their highly accelerated growth rates. Lister returns them to the universe of their origin, where they were reunited with their father (a woman).
(4 months since his crash) Lister discovers and rebuilds Kryten, but is unable to recapture his former personality.
3,002,183
Kryten begins practices flying Starbug 2, so he can pass the flying exam.
(+6 weeks): Kryten takes his flying exam, with Rimmer testing him. He flies Starbug into a time hole and sends them both into a backwards reality
(+9 weeks): Lister and the Cat find the time hole and go in it after Rimmer and Kryten.
The crew evacuates Red Dwarf, because Holly believes five blacks holes are in the vicinity. The Cat and Kryten take Blue Midget, while Lister and Rimmer take Starbug. Starbug gets hits by a meteor and crash lands on a snow-covered planet. The Cat and Kryten return to the ship, waiting for Rimmer and Lister.
(+2 days): The Cat and Kryten go search for Rimmer and Lister.
(+6 days): After searching fourteen moons and two planets, Kryten and the Cat find Rimmer and Lister.
A genetically engineered lifeform, a polymorph, breaks into the ship, and drains each member of a negative emotion. Lister (without fear), Rimmer (without anger), the Cat (without vanity), and Kryten (without guilt) hunt down the creature and destroy it, thus regaining their emotions.
Holly detects a second polymorph on board, and the crew hunts that one down and destroys it also.
(Sunday): One of the skutters rewires the entire maintenance deck. Rimmer and Kryten are looking for the self-destruct system. Lister accidentally sets off the system. The crew perform a mindswap, places one of the officer's mind into Lister's body, trying to confuse the system. This fails, and a Crispy bar and a milk shake come out of the food dispenser. (The bomb was disposed of ages ago.)
(Monday): Rimmer convinces Lister to do a mindswap, for two weeks, in order to get Lister fit. Lister fed up with Rimmer abusing his body forces him to mindswap.
(Tuesday): Lister wakes up to find Rimmer stole his body from him. The crew go on a space chase to catch Rimmer. They succeed and return Lister his body. Rimmer, still determined, steals the Cat's body, and promises to return it, tomorrow....maybe Thursday.
(Sunday)(November): Kryten discovers that the developing fluid has mutated making pictures move and allowing people to enter the scene. Lister, fed up with everything, decides to go back and see himself, at age seventeen, and cause him to become a multi-millionaire, thus altering his future on Red Dwarf. Rimmer goes back to his past and tries to become rich before Lister, so that Lister will still be stuck on the ship. Rimmer, unfortunately puts everything the way it was, and the timeline reverts to normal.
A homing pod arrives from DivaDroid International, saying that Kryten will be shutdown in 24 hours and his replacement is on it's way. The crew decide to let Kryten go out in style. So, they throw him a party in the Officer's Lounge.
(+1 day): Kryten's replacement, Hudson 10, arrives. His sanity circuit is worn out and attempts to kill the entire crew just to deactivate Kryten. Kryten convinces Hudson that there is no such place a Silicon Heaven, and Hudson deactivates, because he can't cope with that fact.
3,002,184
Lister tries to teach Kryten to lie, so he can break his programming and gain independence. Kryten takes Rimmer, in Starbug, on a sightseeing trip. They receive a distress call from a crashed vessel. Kryten goes down to see if there are any survivors. The only survivor is Camille, a 4000 series GTI mechanoid. He brings her back with him. Every crew member that meets Camille sees her in a different form, Lister sees her as a human woman, and Rimmer sees her as a hologram. As it turns out she is a pleasure GELF (genetically engineered lifeform). Camille has strong feelings for Kryten and says she didn't want to hurt him. They go on a date, but before the date is over, Hector, Camille's husband arrives to take her away.
(-4 days): The crew encounter an alien vessel. On board the ship they find a DNA modifier that can rearrange anyone's DNA. The Cat accidentally turns Lister into a chicken then into a mouse, before returning him to his original form. Kryten gets caught in the machine's beam and becomes human.
(A year to the day since "Polymorph"): Kryten, after being in human form, is fed up with it and wants to be changed back. The crew are unsure if they can so they try to change Lister's curry. It fails and becomes a mutton vindaloo beast. Lister transforms himself into man plus, a superhuman. This works except that he is only two feet tall. He destroys the beast with lager. Kryten and Lister are returned to their original forms.
On a very small planetoid, Treka XVI, Lister, Rimmer, and Kryten play golf. Lister bet Rimmer 50 dollar pounds. Since the planetoid is very small, Kryten could only build 9 holes. Rimmer takes his first shot and hits it very hard. Lister tees up and shoots his ball into space. Rimmer goes looking for his ball, but it actually went all the way around the planetoid. Kryten and Lister go back and sit in Starbug while Rimmer keeps looking for his ball. (No ball, no bet.)
(-3 weeks): Lister gets the space mumps, causing his head to increase to an incredible size.
(-11 days): Rimmer begins a ten-day trip through the diesel decks.
(-1 day): Rimmer returns from his trip. Rimmer and the Cat, find a pod floating in the local asteroid belt.
The Cat starts the thawing process on the pod. Fearing that it may contain a killer Simulant, they take the pod to the penal colony that it was heading toward. On the way there, Lister's head explodes, thus causing the space mumps to go away. When the crew arrive on the penal colony they are forced to go through a mind probe to see if they have committed any criminal acts. Rimmer is sentenced to 9,328 years in prison for the second degree murder of the entire Red Dwarf crew.
(+1 day): Kryten puts together an appeal for Rimmer's case. He proves, through an unflattering appeal, that Rimmer didn't kill the crew. Rimmer is set free. The pod finally opens and a Simulant appears trying to kill the crew. The Simulant is killed, and the crew are on their way.
(Wednesday): Kryten finds Talkie Toaster in the waste unit in over 3,000 pieces. He puts it back together to do an experiment with intelligence compression. Kryten does the intelligence compression on Holly giving her an IQ of 12,368 but decreasing her life span to 3.41 minutes. Holly shuts herself down, to save on run time, and also powers down the ship. The crew has to survive on their own.
(Thursday): Kryten and Rimmer begin the five-day round trip journey to the cargo decks to get supplies.
(Tuesday): Crew discovers a white hole. A white hole returns time and matter back into the universe. The crew experience time phenomena. Time occurs in random pockets. Lister plays pool with planets in order to block up the white hole. He is successful and the last six days are erased and the crew has no memory of them.
(-2 days):Red Dwarf passes an ocean planet.
Lister, the Cat, Kryten, and Holly decide to take Starbug and go on a three-week fishing holiday without Rimmer to the ocean planet they passed. Rimmer finds out and cons them into taking him with them. Commander Ace Rimmer, a dashing hero version of Rimmer from an alternate dimension, arrives in our dimension and hits Starbug, forcing it to crash land on a storm covered planet. During the crash the Cat gets his leg crushed. Ace repairs the ship and operates on the Cat's leg. Ace Rimmer leaves Red Dwarf jumping through millions of dimension searching for another Arnold Rimmer worse than the one in our dimension. He never finds one.
Kryten finds a prototype matter transporter. It will transport objects within 500,000 light years. Kryten completed the work on the machinery, and shows the rest of the crew. The crew use the machine and travel over 200,000 light years, to a wax droid amusement park. The droids broke their programming and they are at war with each other, good against evil. Rimmer takes charge of the good droids. He is in charge of such celebrities as Elvis, Ghandi, and even Santa Claus. The evil side has militarists such as Hitler, Rasputin, and even Napoleon. He sets up an attack plan, that the droids use. All of the droids on both sides are destroyed. Lister swallows Rimmer's light bee in anger.
3,002,185
The crew goes through a cosmic storm and travel back in time to a parallel universe and materialize on an exact replica of Earth, 1989.
The crew encounter a holoship, which holds the cream of the hologrammatic Space Corps. Rimmer wants to join, but must challenge another crew member. He uses a mind patch to cheat. He wins and gets his commission. He gives up his commission when he finds out that his "love", Commander Crane, was his challenger and she gave up her existence for him.
The Inquisitor arrives on Red Dwarf and puts the four crew members on trial for their existence. Lister and Kryten are found to have wasted their lives and are erased from history, and replaced. Before the Inquisitor can destroy their bodies, Kryten, from the future arrives and distracts him before he is killed. The two run off and lure the Inquisitor into a trap where he destroys himself. He doesn't exist therefore Lister and Kryten do exist.
Kryten and Rimmer take Starbug out to go moon hopping. They arrive on an S3 moon, and it terraforms around them. Kryten is about to go off line and sends his hand to go get help. Lister and The Cat find Kryten and repair him. They discover that they are on a psimoon that is controlled by Rimmer's emotions. The crew rescue Rimmer by convincing him that they care for him.
The crew pickup a distress beacon signal that leads them to a science station on an ice planet. They encounter Doctor Langstrom, a hologram, that has contracted a holovirus (psivirus). Her energy is drain from the virus and see goes off-line, but not before transmitting the virus to Rimmer. The rest of the crew return to Red Dwarf, to find out that Rimmer has locked all the bay doors. The crew go into quarantine expecting to spend the next three months there.
(+5 days): The crew discover that Rimmer has contracted the holovirus, and use a luck virus that they found on the science station to escape the quarantine berth. They encounter Rimmer and manage to turn him off before the virus completely took over his body. When Rimmer wakes up he discovers that the rest of the crew has put him in quarantine.
Lister uses a Triplicator and accidentally creates two Red Dwarfs, one with all positive attributes and the other with all negative attributes, and destroys the original in the process. They go aboard the two other ships to get parts to the Triplicator. They succeed and recreate the original ship.
The crew discover a ship, SSS Esperanto, that everyone, including the fish, committed suicide. The crew get affected by a venom that induces hallucinations. The crew return to Starbug being chased by a squid. The ship hits a mountain and is destroyed. The crew find that they were playing a total immersion video game (TIV) and that Red Dwarf does not exist. Holly forces the crew out of that hallucination before they commit suicide.
Lister parks Red Dwarf around a blue-green planetoid. Lister, Kryten, the Cat, and Rimmer take Starbug and go off somewhere. (Where they go is unknown.) When they come back they can't find Red Dwarf or Holly. (Lister can't remember which planetoid he parked it around.)
The crew finds the vapor trail of Red Dwarf and head after it in Starbug. Knowing that this will take many centuries, Lister and the Cat go into a deep sleep, while Rimmer is deactivated. Kryten monitors their life support systems and makes sure that nothing goes wrong with Starbug.
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(Spring): Kryten tries to wake Lister from deep sleep, but Lister insists on another three months.
(Summer)(+3 months): Kryten wakes Lister and the Cat from deep sleep. Rimmer's hologram is also activated. Still following the vapor trail of Red Dwarf, the crew find out that the ship is circumnavigating an asteroid belt. Starbug is small enough to go through the belt to cut Red Dwarf off "at the pass." They find a ship graveyard in the asteroid belt. The entire belt is inhabited by GELFs, known as Psirens. These Psirens can alter your perception telepathically. They use the power of illusion to lure anyone onto an asteroid, then suck out their brains. Starbug crashes on an asteroid. A Psiren, disguised as Lister, comes aboard the ship. Kryten kills the GELF by falling on it. When they get to the other side of the belt they find out that Red Dwarf has gone through a gas nebula.
(2 months ago): The crew discover a crashed vessel on an ice-covered planet. The captain of the ship, was apparently shot. Lister finds some peanuts in his pocket, and takes them. He also gets a mint imperial, that the captain was sucking on, by prying his jaws open with a car jack.
Starbug is now almost 24 hours behind Red Dwarf. Starbug gets caught in a malfunctioning guidance beam and are taken to a space station. There they meet Legion, a gestalt entity. Legion rebuilds Rimmer's light bee, making him a hard light hologram. He tells the crew that they cannot leave the station.
(+1 day): Legion tells the crew that he will not survive if they leave the station. Kryten knocks the other three members unconscious, thus making Legion like himself. Since humans have precedence over mechanoids, Legion is forced to assist in their safe passage to Starbug. Before they leave the station, Legion gives Kryten a star drive, that will help Starbug catch up to Red Dwarf in a matter of nanoseconds. The star drive works, but gets loose and flies off out of the ship.
(October 14): Lister celebrates his 28th birthday.
(-1 month): The crew finds a derelict ship, believed to have been attacked by Rogue Simulants. On the ship they find an Artificial Reality machine.
(Last Thursday): Lister is having a few beers, and is too lazy to get up. So he uses the release mechanism on the escape pod, and it escapes!
(Present): Kryten discovers minute amounts of millennium oxide in the system. Starbug has entered a Rogue Simulant zone. The Rogue Simulants catch up with Starbug, and knock all four crew members unconscious. They upgrade Starbug to make it more of a "fair" fight.
(+3 weeks): The crew wake up. Starbug attacks the Simulant war vessel, and get a fluke hit on the ship. Before the bridge of the Simulant vessel explodes, they download the Armageddon Virus to Starbug's navicom. The navicom locks out all inputs, and the ship is heading straight into a small moon. Kryten logs onto the navicom to get the virus and find an antidote before Starbug crashes. Losing the battle, the rest of the crew go into Kryten's subconscious to help him with the virus. They give Kryten enough time to come up with the antidote. Starbug safely flies away from the small moon.
Space Corps. External Enforcement vehicle catches Starbug and punishes them with looting Space Corps. Vessels. The crew escapes by going into GELF space, but get hit, and are forced to land on a GELF moon. Everything is repairable except for the oxy-generation unit. The crew get a O/G Unit from the Kinitawawi tribe in exchange for Lister to marry one of the GELFs. He does but flees immediately afterward. A polymorph sneaks on the ship and takes The Cat's cools, and Rimmer's negativity. The four track it down and freeze it with liquid dalinium, and extract the DNA and replace it in The Cat and Rimmer.
(A week last Thursday): The crew, escaping from the disintegrating Simulant ship, arrives on Starbug using the teleporter.
(+2 weeks since Gunmen of the Apocalypse):Starbug returns to the Simulant ship to pick up supplies and fuel. One of the Simulants discovers them and attempts to kill them. Rimmer escapes in the escape pod, thus causing the ship to disintegrate. The rest of the crew use a teleporter, that they found on the ship, and escape back to Starbug. Rimmer is forced to go through a worm hole. (Due to time dilation he will have to wait 600 years on a S3 planet waiting for the rest of the crew to get him. For them it will only be a few hours.) While on the planet Rimmer creates an entire race of himselves from cloning his DNA. The rest of the crew arrive and are arrested for being brave and honest. In the cell they find the real Rimmer, who has been in there for 557 years. They all escape using the teleporter.
(Weeks later): While escaping from Rimmer World, the crew arrive on Starbug. Their future selves are trying to figure out what to do for Lister, who is in some hideous situation.
(December 25): The crew fight a pan-dimensional liquid beast from the Magadon Cluster.
Starbug enters dense interstellar fog. Within this fog are pockets of unreality, which causes the crew to see things that don't exist. (i.e. Lister is a mechanoid, the Cat disappears, and they have animal heads.) The crew decide to go into a stasis sleep until they arrive at the other side.
(+3 days): The crew arrive at Gemini 12, a Space Corps. ship that is equipped with a Time Drive. They attach the Time Drive to Starbug and see if it works. Another Starbug arrives and it is themselves from fifteen years into the future. Their future selves need to copy parts off of the Time Drive to make their own work properly again. Lister, determined not to become like their future counterparts removes them from their ship. Their future counterparts decide to attack knowing that they would never want to have been like their past selves. During the battle the present version of Lister and The Cat are killed in combat while Kryten goes off-line. Rimmer tries to destroy the Time Drive before he is killed. Just as he shoots the Time Drive, Starbug is hit and . . . . Because Rimmer destroyed the Time Drive before they were killed, they survived. But the time line was unstable so both realities merged to form a paradox. So the time line was corrected before the crew got the Time Drive, and Starbug's cargo deck increased by 212%. The laser cannon breached the main water tank and flooded Supply Deck B, and destroyed all the Indian food and lager supplies.
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(Friday): Lister urinates on Rimmer from D Deck.
(Wednesday): The ship passes a red moon.
(Thursday): Lister tries to do a ship's log explaining about the incident with their future selves. During his report, the camera explodes. (It's the third one this week.)
(Friday): Kryten finally gets enough courage (and the supplies in the kitchen were finally depleted) to tell Lister that all the Indian food supplies are gone and there is no more lager. Lister tries to convince Kryten to go back to Gemini 12 and pick up the Time Drive, so they can go and pick up a two-year supply of curries. Kryten doesn't think they should alter the time line, due to causality. Kryten goes off-line for twelve hours to discard some old cache files. While doing this, Lister replaces Kryten's head with Sparehead 2, and removes his guilt chip and disables his behavior protocols.
(Saturday): Lister asks Kryten again if they can make "a curry run to the 22nd century." Kryten, now agrees so the crew set a course back to the Gemini 12.
(Monday, 9 days later): The crew arrive at Gemini 12, and get the Time Drive and set it for the "closest curry shop." They accidentally land in November, 1963, during the Kennedy assassination.
(Tuesday): Getting fed up with the "new" Kryten, Lister replaces his original head back on him, with his behavioral protocols and guilt chip intact.
Rimmer and Lister find a way to go back in time. (Lister marries Kochanski. Kochanski doesn't want to leave with Lister, even though she knows what's going to happen. To her, her job comes first. Lister and Rimmer leave, and return to Starbug.)
Ace Rimmer arrives from another dimension. This Ace is not the Ace they first met but is one of the many who have taken over. Ace is now a hard light hologram. He is dying and has about 12 hours left to live. He wants Arnold to take over for him, but Arnold doesn't want to. After some convincing from Lister, Rimmer starts his training with Ace. Ace dies and everyone, except Lister, assumes that it's Arnold that has died. The crew sends Ace's remains in a coffin out into space and fondly promotes him as an officer. Arnold seeing how many versions of him that have become Ace, convinces him to become Ace. Arnold get's into his ship as Ace Rimmer, and leaves Starbug.
The crew fight the Vidal Beast of Sharma II. They nearly lose their lives.
The ship enters a rip in the fabric of space/time. They go through a hyperway and meet up with alternative versions of themselves, including a hard light hologram of Lister and a living Kochanski. The ship gets attacked by the Gelf bride that Lister left on his honeymoon night. Kochanski gets stuck in our universe after the tear closes. She has Lister make a "deposit" into the in vitro tube so she can have a baby. Lister realizes that the baby is actually him, due to the writing of "Ouroboros", a battery company, written on the side of the box in which his infant self was deposited.
Kochanski wants to take a bath, and Lister gives her his quarters to do it. Kryten gets jealous and overloads the thermosettings of the ship, causing all systems to shutdown. All the doors lock as an automatic feature, to prevent fires and strengthen the hull integrity. The crew have to travel through the ship's ducts to get the backup generator on line. The ship is heading straight for a meteor shower. The shower is twelve hours away and it will take at least 6 hours to get to the backup generator. After about three hours of travelling through the ducts the crew end up trapped in the same room that they started in. Kryten opens up the door, and explains that he deactivated the locking mechanism on the doors, in case something like this happens. Konchanski beats Kryten senseless.
(Few weeks since "Ouroboros"):Starbug is heading straight for the tail of a phasing comet. They pass through it, but must jettison some of their supplies overboard, because the ship is too heavy and can't use the thrusters. Lister still misses Rimmer. Lister and the Cat go down to the hold to see what they can get rid of. Lister starts to link everything they find to an experience with Rimmer. That night Lister has a dream of Rimmer coming back and the two kissing.
(+ 1 day): Lister tell his dream to Kryten, who tries to help him. It doesn't work. So Kryten creates "The Rimmer Experience" in the AR booth, so anytime anyone is depressed and miss Rimmer they can go in there and "visit" him. After coming out of there, Lister is so disgusted with Rimmer, he never wants to see him again. Lister goes to the cargo deck and jettisons everything that is remotely related to Rimmer.
(- 2 Days):Starbug discovers the ship SS Centauri. Kryten finds four live lobsters that were in the stasis block. He takes them back to Starbug and plans to make a nice meal for the crew to celebrate Kryten's anniversary with the crew. Kochanski finds a new Artificial Reality software program, "Jane Austen World."
(Anniversary of the day Kryten was found by the crew): Kryten finally gets the lobster meal prepared for the crew. Kochanski lures the crew to go into the AR machine to try out the new software. Kryten gets fed up with waiting for them to eat the meal he prepared, so he goes in there and "kicks" them out. While eating dinner, Lister asks for brown ketchup for his meal. Kryten can't believe this and his head explodes. They put on his spare head, and that explodes too. Fortunately, they still had the RAM chips and now need to get a new head for him.
(+1 day): The crew head back toward the SS Centauri looking for spare heads stumble across a Simulants living quarters. To avoid being captured by the Simulant, and to try to get the heads, Kochanski, and the Cat dress up as GELFs so they won't get killed, and Lister is disguised as their human pet. They meet up with a Simulant who tries to convince them to trade Lister for a spare head. Actually, he stalls them long enough for his sidekick to go over to Starbug to steal Kryten's body and his RAM chip. The Simulant activates Kryten, through the use of his "brother" Able, another 4000 series mechanoid, who is addicted to ultrazone. The crew, with Able, try to escape from the Simulant, but are unable to. Able, sacrifices himself so the rest can escape by using the power of Kryten's negadrive. The crew recover Able's body, so Kryten can perform last rites.
The crew discover an astro-glacier. They are trying to get water from it when they discover that a starship is buried inside. It is the Leviation, a 23rd century JMC supply ship. There is a life form on board. It is Caroline Carmen, a supply officer, who spent time on Red Dwarf. She is frozen in ice. The crew try to thaw her out but it doesn't work. She wakes up in a zombie-like form. She transfers the epideme virus to Lister.
(+1 day): Kryten discovers that Lister has the epideme virus. The virus is a man-made parasite created as a rival to the nicotine patch. It was intelligent, and was designed to block all the neural signals to nicotine cravings, unfortunately, it also block all signals telling the body it needs blood and oxygen. Kryten puts an antibody in Lister forcing the bacteria into his right arm. They slice off his arm, but still some of the virus escapes into his body. Lister, determined to destroy the virus before it destroys him, goes back to the Leviathan and plans to blow it up. He finds out that there might be a cure on Delta 7, but that is far away. Kryten finds out from Epideme that there is a way to make Starbug's engines 300% faster.
(+2 days):Starbug arrives at Delta 7. They find out that it was destroyed a long time ago. The crew decide to stop Lister's heart to give him more time to live. Lister, zombified, transfers the virus into Kochanski. It wasn't her arm, but Carmen's arm. They revive Lister, who is safe from the virus.
(+1 week, 2 days): Lister is still trying to cope with his right arm being gone. Kryten finds a 21st-century mechanical arm and attaches it to Lister. Lister has trouble using it at first, but his subconscious eventually takes over and it "attacks" Kryten. Kryten explains that his body once had nanobots, microscopic machines that can repair objects. But the last time he had them was before the destruction of Red Dwarf.
(Some time later, Wednesday): The crew are awakened, when they arrive around a planet. In orbit around the planet is Red Dwarf! The nanobots took over Red Dwarf and sealed it into a planetoid, before making a sub-atomic version of Red Dwarf. (That was what the crew was following all this time.) Kryten finds the nanobots and orders them to repair the ship and give Lister his arm back. They give Lister his arm back, but also gives him the physique of a body builder. They return Red Dwarf to them, but when the Cat flies Starbug into the ship, they find that the ship is many times larger than normal! Lister's body returns to it's normal size. Starbug gets sucked into a vent. Red Dwarf starts to shrink to it's normal size. Starbug tries to escape the vents and is finally destroyed. (It turned out that Holly recreated the nanobots so they could recreate the ship.)
The nanobots also recreated the entire crew. Lister is accused of stealing and crashing a Starbug, having no pilot's license, and smuggling two stowaways on board along with Kochanski. He is put on quarters arrest. He tries to convince the recreated Rimmer to help him escape, by giving him access to the crew's confidential files so he can make rank. A psychological review is done on Kryten and it is determined that he should be reset to factory settings. Rimmer goes to the remains of Starbug and gets the confidential files, he also stumbles over the sexual magnetism and luck viruses. He tests the sexual magnetism out to see if it really works. Rimmer goes back to his quarters and and reads up on the files. He goes to the captain's office and gives him a report on new safety procedures for drive plate repairs, a muffin to help him celebrate his wedding anniversary and by giving him bile cream. The captain is suspicious of Rimmer's new found intelligence he gives him an envelope that is an invitation to the Captain's table. (Rimmer licks the envelope that has psychotropic drugs on it.) He is placed in a Artificial Reality machine so his actions can be watched. A medical examination is done on Kryten and he is reclassified as a woman.
(+1 day, since last event. Thursday): The foursome go to the inquiry and agree to have psychotropic drugs used for a mindscan. They sign a form agreeing to this and lick the envelopes (which have the drugs on them, unknown to the foursome.) They are placed in AR also so they can be watched.
(+2 days, Friday): The crew are found innocent on the original charges, and removed from the AR. But, they are found guilty on using confidential files and get a statutory sentence of two years. The foursome are taken to the brig (known as "The Tank") on floor 13. During their orientation Lister pours the rest of the tube of sexual magnetism on Rimmer, making him attractive to all of the other inmates. The prisoners are taken to their quarters to rest up for their first day of work. Rimmer is upset at Lister for what he did and won't talk to him. Lister tries to make him say something and it finally works.
(+3 days, Saturday): After their first day of work, Rimmer is so depressed he goes to see the social worker, who beat him up. He called Rimmer a "whining nancy boy with girlie white legs." Then he pummels him repeatedly with his book, "Showing Compassion to Inmates." So shell-shocked Rimmer then goes to see the priest and explains everything. He calls Rimmer "a whining baby who was missing his mum." Then he beats him up too, leaving crucifix marks on the back of his head.
(Monday): Lister joins himself and his friends in the Canaries, thinking that they would get some privileges. The Canaries are a group of prisoners who are sent out on dangerous missions to make sure the area is safe for others. Their first mission is to go to the SSS Silverberg, a derelict ship located in an ocean on a moon. They stumble over Cassandra, a computer that can predict the future with 100% accuracy. She says that Lister, the Cat, Kryten, and Kochanski will live and Rimmer will die. The ship is also taking on water. Cassandra lies to Rimmer and tells him that he will sleep with Kochanski and Lister will come in and kill him with a harpoon. Kryten figures out that Cassandra lied to Rimmer because she knows that Lister will destroy her. Lister bursts in on Rimmer and Kochanski before anything happens, then he goes to Cassandra and tells her he won't destroy her, but does "accidentally" kill her anyway.
Because of her good behavior, Kochanski is placed on probation and given more rights.
(Monday): Petersen sends Lister a letter telling him that he found his guitar in Starbug's wreckage and is having it sent to him. When Lister gets it the strings have been confiscated; so prisoners can't hang themselves. Lister gets a chance to get an appeal for his case.
(+1 day, Tuesday): The warden gets mugged and his glass eye is stolen.
(+2 days, Wednesday): The warden asks the prisoner who stole his eye to return or all of the privileges will be revoked. Rimmer tells on the prisoner who stole the eye, so it would help the appeal look good. Kryten gets kidnapped by Kill Crazy and is reprogrammed. Kryten performs "Krytie TV", the first show is done in the woman's shower.
(+3 days, Thursday): Lister plans on giving Kochanski two bags of flour to apologize for watching the shower incident. (two bags of flour = flowers!) Kryten lies to Lister telling him that the women found out about the shower incident and kicked him out. He was reclassified as a man and moved in with Rimmer and Lister. He then tells Lister that Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim, are going out tonight and tells him how to sabotage Tim's quarters. Lister does what Kryten said, but finds out that it's actually the warden's quarters, as part of Krytie TV. With Rimmer's help, Lister helps clean the quarters. They chase down and capture Kryten and reprogram him back to the way he was.
(+4 days, Friday): Lister's appeal finally comes through and is approved. He is granted the right have guitar strings on his guitar. He plans on thanking Rimmer for helping him by writing a song for him.
Rimmer and Lister play a prank on Ackerman. They insert a capsule of truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his asthma inhaler. This causes him to report to the bridge apologizing for being late because he was having "jiggy jiggy" with the science officer's wife and didn't have enough time to change out of his Batman outfit. They report to the Captain's office for this. Their punishment is that they must choose a team of their liking and play a game of basketball against the guard's team lead by Ackerman. Before the game Lister has one of the skutter's go into the MediLab and steal some potency drug to put in the guards half time juice. The gang is losing the game miserably, and at half time the guards drink the juice that makes them instantly priapic, making it difficult for them to move. The gang wins the game easily.
(+1 day): Rimmer and Lister report to the captain's office for the basketball incident and are put on spud duty for 2 weeks. They have Bob the skutter steal a programmable virus, so they can program it to peel the potatoes. Meanwhile, the Canaries go to the SS Manny Celeste to locate 2 missing Canary battalions. They find the battalions frozen in time, caused by Tempest, a time wand. They send the battalion back in time before they found the wand, and smuggle it aboard the ship.
(+2 days): Lister and Rimmer put the virus on the potatoes and it works like a charm. However, the virus gets onto them and eats their clothes and hair. Rimmer transfers the virus onto the captain who gives them two months in the hole. Kryten uses the time wand and freezes the entire crew. In the hole Rimmer and Lister meet "Birdman" and his sparrow Pete. Bob the skutter helps them escape. Pete dies and Kryten tries to revive him with the timewand, but reverts him into a Tyrannosaurus rex. They try to change him back, but he eats Bob the skutter who was holding the wand. In his stomach, Bob unfreezes the entire crew. The gang make a "cow vindaloo" to help the T. rex pass the wand. The dinosaur eats it, finding it too hot so it runs off. The gang are captured. The dinosaur passes the wand and and sedated by the ship's security team. The Canaries are sent on a mission to revert the dinosaur back to a bird. They find the sleeping dinosaur and revert him back to a sparrow. They destroy the wand not wanting to cause any more trouble. Lister and Rimmer then find a dinosaur egg that's about to hatch. The baby T. rex escapes and "attacks" the captain by licking his back while he is getting a massage. He has post traumatic stress disorder and can't speak. He seriously thinks about placing them in the hole for 12 months, but decides to put himself there instead. The baby T. rex is captured by the crew.
Kryten, the Cat, Lister and Rimmer are finally placed on probation.
A lone pod, with one life form, arrives from the SS Hermes, which was destroyed by a chameleonic microbe. 6 hours later, after quarantine, the microbe, which hid on board, escapes without anyone knowing it. Kryten buys a calendar for Kochanski because she says "it's the wrong time of the month." Lister tricks Kryten into throwing a "Period Party" for Kochanski. Kryten gets his revenge on Lister by stealing some of Baxter's illegal hooch and hiding it his shower, just ten minutes before an inspection. They try to drink it all, but get caught with it anyway. They are taken to the hospital to get their stomachs pumped. The microbes begin to eat the ship. The crew take all of the escape pods and transport vessels leaving the prisoners behind. The gang decide to take some of the microbes into a mirror universe where it would be the antidote, which they could bring back and fix the ship. They open a portal, and Rimmer enters, but the machine breaks leaving him stranded there. He gets the antidote's name, and the portal is reopened, but the rest of the gang have already gone into the mirror universe looking for him. The antidote he brings back reverses itself so it's the virus once again. The machine that opened the portal is now destroyed by the microbes, so Rimmer is left alone on a ship that is quickly falling apart. . . . . .
(+7 months 2 weeks since "Ouroboros"): Kochanski places the in vitro tube, with Lister's "deposit", into the ship's uterus simulation chamber.
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(+16 months 2 weeks since "Ouroboros"): Baby Lister is born.
(+18 months since "Ouroboros"): Lister uses the Time Drive and takes the baby version of himself, age six weeks, back to 2155. He places the child in a box, marked "Ouroboros", under a pool table at the Aigburth Arms in Liverpool.
3,002,400: The crew of the Starbug, with the Time Drive, travel back fifteen years to meet themselves. They need to copy components off of the Time Drive to make their own work properly again. Their past selves destroy the Time Drive, so this doesn't happen.
3,002,526: Lister, age 171, appears as a future echo from here urging the younger Lister to take a picture of his twin sons.
3,002,536: According to Casandra, Lister, at age 181, dies trying to remove a bra with his teeth.
The End[]
End of Time:The Inquisitor, a self-repairing Simulant, living million of years alone comes to the conclusion that there is no god, no afterlife, and the only purpose of existence is lead a worthwhile life. He constructs a time machine which allows him to travel through space and time. As he does so, he erases all those who wasted their life and replaces them with people who never had the chance of life. Due to Lister's actions, this time machine and the Inquisitor himself never existed.
The Big Crunch occurs, where the Universe stops expanding and starts to inverse in on itself, causing time to run backwards.
"1993": Rimmer and Kryten enter through a time hole and arrive on Earth where time is now running backwards. (+3 weeks) The Cat and Lister arrive, and discover Kryten and Rimmer are an act at a local pub, calling themselves The Sensational Reverse Brothers. The foursome get into a bar room tidy and Kryten and Rimmer get fired from their jobs. The four return to their own time period.
