Tongue Tied

Kryten begins gathering up all the toilet rolls from the 2,143 restrooms of Red Dwarf
("Dear Dave", Series X)

Toilet paper was a hygienic tissue paper used by humans, Felis sapiens, and sometimes even holograms to clean their rears after using the toilet and passing waste.


Dave Lister of the JMC mining spaceship Red Dwarf had musical toilet paper that he had purchased on Miranda, along with much other junk. It played "Morning Has Broken" and Lister kept it next to the revolving toilet in his sleeping quarters aboard Red Dwarf. (Better Than Life)

When Arnold Rimmer reminded Dave Lister that he was his superior, Lister reminded Rimmer that even the man who changed the bog rolls had been superior to them. ("Balance of Power")

When a whole toilet roll went missing in one day, and none of the gang knew who had used it all, Rimmer was convinced that aliens were responsible. ("Kryten")

A toilet roll stands on Thomas Allman's bedside table.

Thomas Allman had a roll of toilet paper on his bedside table. ("RD: The Inquisitor")

When Rimmer was temporarily gone, and Lister found himself unexpectedly missing Rimmer, Lister remembered some of Rimmer's eccentricities with the Cat. Among these were Rimmer's efficient and anally-retentive use of toilet roll; "one up, one down, and one to polish". ("Blue")

When the JMC On-Board Computer noticed that Rimmer had not clocked in for Z Shift in over three million years since the accident, it threatened to demote Rimmer to Third Technician, the same rank as Lister. Horrified, Rimmer ordered Kryten to help him find a solution, and although the mechanoid was unenthusiastic to help Rimmer, Kryten's programming forced him to follow orders. Kryten noted that there was an astonishing amount of unused toilet paper in the 2,143 restrooms of the ship, and there was very few "toilet-active crewmembers" aboard. They could remove this toilet paper, and channel the supply funds into the medical fund - effectively bribing the Medi-Bot for a sick note for Rimmer.

Lister wasn't keen on this idea, since he needed the paper due to his diet that was rich in "fiber, curry and beer". However, Kryten took a trolley round and gathered up the thousands of toilet rolls. Kryten's plan worked, and Rimmer got his sick note and kept his status as Second Technician and highest ranking crewmember. However, when the Cat couldn't find a toilet with any paper in it, he used instead Rimmer's "special report book", noting that it wouldn't be special in a minute. ("Dear Dave")

Ziggy Briceman said that Lister's Liverpudlian accent was "cuter than a kitten with a toilet roll." ("Timewave")